Why can’t I stop?




“Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or idealism.”
― C.G. Jung

Addiction is a complex destroyer of the body and soul. We all scratch our heads about it, why is it so hard for me to let go of something, when I know that it is destroying me. It is a fight that most people cannot win, without mass amounts of help and determination, most of the time the addiction is with the person, even if they are not abusing the substance physically at the moment, because it is in the mind and body. Addiction is not just the stereotypical hard drugs, someone can be addicted to anything.

I was addicted to depression for years, hell, I didn’t even know I was addicted until I took a very serious objective view at my life. I was hooked on it because it was all I knew, being in a state of happiness, or feeling things were ok, just felt foreign to me. Subconsciously I would sabotage anything that would get me out of the state of misery I was in. It was as if the depressed state of mind had a life force of it’s own. Every job I had would fail, relationships would suffer, and I was going broke. Even with all those things going on, being with something I knew (depression) was better then feeling the unknown (happiness).

Even after I realized I was addicted to depression, that bit of knowledge did not help a lot, because what do I do with that information? I felt I was to old and that it was to ingrained to change. That old cliche kept on running through my head, “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” Of course, it was still my depression talking.

Long story short, through countless hours of study and talking with therapist, I found a way to crack the shell and realized that getting rid of my addiction wasn’t as hard as I initially thought. It was finding out that depression was a choice, just like being happy is. I choose to be happy. It is strange waters, and I find myself longing for my old friend, who is always ready to join me again at a moments notice, but I dare not purposefully give energy to it.

I have known people who are addicted to people that abuse them, and how automatic it is for me to judge them. I then remember how complex addiction is, and how they probably feel they are powerless, and feel they have no choice. Somewhere along the line, the addiction seeped into the subconscious mind, ingrained itself deep into the nervous system, telling us that the behavior that is destroying us and our family is good. It can be a million different reasons on how it got there, genetics, self-esteem, emotional/psychological trauma, the list goes on and on. Maybe you will never be able to truly figure it out.

I am here to tell you though, if something got planted deep into your subconscious, you can take it out and plant something new in it’s place. I had my addiction for as long as I can remember, and I uprooted that nasty weed.

I want to hear what you have to say! Please add to the discussion below, thank you

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