Going uphill

uphill - Going uphill

 

Life is hard, there is not doubt about it.  If someone does not have the right tools, it is next to impossible to get out of anxiety or depression. Many people out there live in constant psychological or physical pain.  Even being a LifeCoach, and counselor, my pessimism had a way of showing through.  It is a constant fight, to guard your body against negativity, and to instead fill your mind with goodness.  Rocky once said, “Ain’t nobody going to hit as hard as life. It will bring you down to your knees and keep you there permanently, if you let it.”

I am envious of those, who have adopted an optimistic mind set.  People who can joke around, and see the good in things, when life has gone rotten.  I tell myself, if I was going through what they were, I probably wouldn’t stick around to find out how things have ended.  It is though, of course, those thoughts right there, that destroy me before I even had a chance.  My negative thinking has become so powerful, it goes through my mind like a train, without any resistance or questioning.  It is not just the thoughts, the things I have said to myself that hurts, it is also the deep images that cut my soul like a knife.

I learned, through my hypnosis training, that the subconscious mind does not know the difference between reality and fantasy.  So if you imagine something, it takes it as truth.  If you tell it something, it takes it as truth.

We have got to be careful then, what we think.  Even though it takes a tremendous amount of energy. I have become much more cautious in what I think, and say to myself.  I have to.  The consequences are to large.  I do want to live, I don’t want to live a life in pain.  I do not want to invite disease into my body, because my negative thoughts brought down my system.  It is the reason I emerged myself into the study of “help.”  It was to help other people, but primarily it was to save myself.

I am here to say though, I understand the pain of trying.  I understand the hardships.  I know that trying to be happy, or changing a mindset can be like trudging through mud, uphill.  But we have to try, we have to succeed.  Even if you just replace one thought, just one with a happy thought during the day, you are on your way to change.  You are on your way to a brighter future.  But again, I understand.  I have thrown many self-help books across the room in frustration.  There were times I have given up all together.  But that piece in me, that piece who wants to live, won’t let me quit for good.  And it will grow, if you just give it a chance.  Those things in those books do work, but it takes time, and tremendous patience.

I hope you have a wonderful day

Everyone needs some extra help, someone to listen to them, to help them achieve their goals and feel better.  I have been a life coach, and personal trainer for years and  am currently getting my masters/PhD in counseling and therapy.  Please feel free to call me if you would like to talk about the possibility of having a life coach.  Just dial 517-898-7574

 

 

Narcissism

narcissim

 

Narcissistic people are always struggling with the fact that the rest of the world doesn’t revolve around them.”   – Unknown

 

I have talked to numerous people, who have had toxic relationships with someone who was a narcissist. Narcissist are truly dangerous, because out of all the personality disorders, narcissist are by the far the best actors. They come off witty, intelligent, and very nice, but that is only because they are trying to rope you in. Let me explain, if it is a relationship they want, they are going to do, or say, anything that they need to make that happen. By the time you figure out who this person really is, and that you are in a toxic relationship, years of your life may have been invested.

Narcissism is a formula of different personality traits, one of which is having no empathy for other people except themselves. You are not really a person in the eyes of a narcissist, you are reduced to an object of gratification. There are many reasons a narcissist might use you, it could be to boost their ego, for sexual gratification, or other things. They will make you feel like they have empathy, but that is because they are putting on a show to get their fill. And the problem with the narcissist, is that they will never be satisfied, so eventually, they will leave you feeling empty, confused and maybe even insane.

It is a push pull relationship with a narcissist. Because they know what to say, and how to act, to wrench on your heartstrings, to draw you back in.

You are a smart person, you know when you have been taken advantage of, so, after a while you understand you have to leave this person. The problem is, the narcissist knows how to trump your logical mind by pursuing your heart. So instead of leaving the creature, you have another baby, or give them another loan or do something crazy and invest more in with this person, who is literally destroying your sanity. It is a spiraling downfall, one that is next to impossible to retreat from.

When you see someone in a relationship with a narcissist, you scratch you head, because everyone on the outside can see how toxic the association is. We wonder why the hell you put up with it. Of course, we are not the ones being manipulated like a marionette.

Some narcissist are so good at acting though, on the outside the relationship may looks like a dream come true, like he is a regular Romeo. But again, that is what causes some of the insanity, because they will make you question your own judgements, your own reality.

Healing from such a relationship takes time. And it isn’t until much later, after the relationship has terminated, that any such healing can start taking place. You first must understand that you have been emotionally manipulated for years, and you’re going to have to start building trust up in yourself again. That is because chances are you no longer trust yourself, or your instincts, because you feel you let this happen. You have to be gentle, nobody, unless they are a trained psychotherapist, really has the tools to combat a true narcissist. They are powerful people, many of them are running the country, and have positions of power. They are good at what they do, because they don’t even know they are doing it!

A true narcissist does not know they are a narcissist, because admitting so would be admitting they have weakness, and their egos are too fragile to admit fault. That is why, everything is to blame, but themselves. In fact many narcissist claim other people are narcissist (I already know what you’re thinking, so stop it!). Narcissist are insane, and is a true personality disorder, it is just as serious as someone who suffers schizophrenia or paranoid disorders. They rarely get help, because they feel they are already perfect. Deep down, they have no self-esteem. That is why they cannot blame themselves, it takes a strong person to admit fault, and to grow from mistakes. If you feel you are in the grip of a narcissist, ask yourself a couple questions….

  1. Does this person ever take responsibility for things? Especially when things go wrong? And this question can be tricky, because a narcissist will take responsibility for things, but they may only be doing it to get something from you. We are looking for intentions. If they are saying sorry for something, only to get something from you, then it really isn’t a sincere apology. Again, these people are fabulous actors.
  2. Do they quickly blame others for problems in their life?
  3. Do they exaggerate their self-worth, or what they do? Do they brag about how much money they make or how many friends they have? It may be difficult to spot the difference between bragging and confidence, but again, it all goes down to intentions. A confident person will talk less about self-importance, and more about self-worth.
  4. Do they quickly judge other people harshly without question? Narcissist lack empathy or understanding of other people and situations. For example in the mind of a narcissist, if someone is poor, they deserve it.
  5. Do they listen to you? Try to understand you? Or do they mostly (or always) talk about themselves and what makes them happy.
  6. Do they easily become jealous? The reason I ask this is because a narcissistic individual spends their life protecting the ego. If someone or something enters their life who is threatening their world, they will react to get rid of the risk, imaginary or real.

 

Those were just a sample of some of the questions you can ask yourself in trying to identify a narcissist.  I hope you enjoyed my post, please respond, I want to hear your point of view so I may learn from your experiences.

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Sins of the father

father

“America used to live by the motto “Father Knows Best.” Now we’re lucky if “Father Knows He Has Children.” We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.”

Stephen Colbert, I Am America

 

 

Abby said something to me, that opened up a new perspective in my mind. The revelation came after I asked her a question about her soon to be ex-husband, whom she had three children with.  I asked her why she picked that man.

I exclaimed that a father to me is not someone who just fertilizes a female’s egg, and produces offspring, because let’s be honest, anyone with the right “equipment” can do that. A father is a role model and protector for the ones they love. I have learned that their role is just as important as a mother’s, in the development of self-esteem, psychological health and emotional stability. If a child just has a male figure in his life, that shows him/her love, that child is going to be so much more then if they were neglected. A father passes on wisdom, patience and self-worth. I am lucky to have such a father, it is the reason why subconsciously I have the confidence and love in myself to pursue my dreams, including this website.

I know too many children without a dad. I’m not sure what to think about that. I cannot understand how someone can produce a child and not want to be part of their life. Perhaps the dad
doesn’t like the mother, and associates his child with her, and wants nothing to do with either. I’m sure there are a lot of psychological variables that I am not considering since I have never been put into those shoes. This phenomenon seems to be happening more and more in our society. I am scared of the ramifications this is going to have on our culture, and our children. I wished that deep down sex did not produce children, which I admit is a terrible thought, but it is how I presently feel.  I don’t think being a father is as biological as it is a state of mind.  For example  I have no children, but I have realized that I can be a father at any time, just by volunteering my time and wisdom to children. And when I say children, I mean anyone, for instance I could be father to my own father.

When I was talking to Abby, and asked her about why she produced children with a man she doesn’t even like right now, she just looked at me and smiled. I told her I did not mean to be judgmental, I was genuinely curious about the situation.

She told me how she thought she knew Greg, but one day woke up next to him and realized that she did not know him at all. Even though she was with him for over twenty years, she didn’t understand the first thing about him. She knew he loved watching football, and that he liked hanging out with his brothers, and that he loved drinking beer in his man cave after work. But she did not know what he believed in, or felt or thought about things on a deeper level. And the sad thing was he never asked how she really thought or felt about things either.

She went on to tell me that even though they both speak English, they were not speaking the same language. She said, it was as if we were both hypnotized, doing the dance of making a family, just going through the motions like everyone else.  She told me that she never  really loved him. But, after you put in so many years with someone, make children, create a life with that individual, you don’t want to admit failure. You don’t want to tell yourself that it was all for nothing, or entertain the idea you could have made a terrible mistake.

She said it wasn’t until years later that a deeper intuition spoke up inside of me that said, I have no idea who this man is and I am not happy. And that is when I questioned everything I was doing. I knew I had to face what I had been denying.

Abby told Greg how she felt, and he responded in anger.   Greg said  that their relationship didn’t need counseling.  Abby, with a broken heart said she wanted to get to know him better, to find out who he really was.  She then begin to realize that she was annoying him, and that she had been annoying him for years.

I admired Abby’s courage for facing her fears, and admitting what so many of us ignore. I began to think about Greg though, and his part in it. His role as the father, or at least his duty as a responsible human being. Why would he produce children with someone he didn’t really even like? Later on I would ask him that same question, and he never did have an answer for me, just said it was what Abby wanted. That answer made me angry, because of the weight of the decisions being made.

A Father is not just a figure to raise the children, but a figure to help raise the family, including the person they are with. It is someone who thinks before they act, and is willing to sacrifice for what is right not just for them, but for everyone.

I guess this post has me put me on a soap box, but sometimes I have to write what I feel. If you think I am being harsh, please write back in the comments. I want to learn about what you have to say. I am sure there are many pieces to this puzzle I do not understand, if you are a father and I have offended you I’m sorry. I want to learn from everyones perspective.

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Laugh at life’s realities

suess

 

 

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life’s realities.
Dr. Seuss

 

The good news about reality, is that there really is no reality. We have running programs in our mind that help us survive, most of which get us through the day and we don’t have to think about. We have ways of simplifying thought, and we all have our own paradigm to help us explain the world.

The good news about reality though, is that, if one way of looking at things is not making us happy, we can look at it another way. We can be creative, and nobody can tell you your reality is not true, because there is no way of proving if it is or is not.

Your mind will follow your lead, if you learn how to do that. It is possible to live a life without psychological pain, it can happen. We just never been taught how to think that far outside the box, but that is the beautiful thing about the brain, it wants to change. Changing makes it healthy, and strong.

For example, if today you decided to learn the Japanese language, just learning the language would create new neural pathways and start changing the way you think. If you took a walk in a place you never took a walk before, or listened to songs that you never heard before, it would soften your mind up for taking a long journey outside it’s cozy little box.

My friend Tom the other day had a frown on his face when he was reading the Sunday paper. I put down my coffee, and asked him what was wrong, he told me that he was tired of seeing negative things in the paper. It seemed that the world was hell bent on finding blame and dishing out punishment. I nodded my head, and started to think about how dangerous the media was in shaping the box in our minds. I asked him if there was any good news in that thing. He kinda gave me a smirk, and said, well the comics can be funny. I told him to start reading the comics, because I was tired of seeing his frown. I enjoyed seeing his expression change when he did start perusing the funnies.

It is a little scary how easily things can trigger us, in good or bad ways, and how powerful the box in our minds are. So powerful, that most of us feel we don’t even have knowledge of exactly what the box is.

I want to learn from you! Please write back and tell me your thoughts

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