Desire

kiss

 

“Some people grumble that roses have thorns; I am grateful that thorns have roses.”

― Alphonse Karr, A Tour Round My Garden

Tracy thought she could change Russel, and Russel thought he could change Tracy. She wanted love, while he wanted to be left alone, but he is the one who proposed marriage to her so many years ago.

How the world is full of contradictions and hypocrisies. Tracy didn’t even want to marry him at first, she thought he was a little homely and nerdy, but over time, his personality rubbed off on her, and she fell in love. He wouldn’t leave her alone in the beginning, he was so insistent that they go out. She agreed to go out with Russel as friends, and friends they did become. He was always so sweet, even when she dated other guys, he was always there as a shoulder to cry on when things went bad. He was so patient and loving.

Tracy did not understand what happened, but soon after they got married, he began ignoring her. He admitted that it really made him mad that she did date other guys in the past, and that he had to wait his turn. She once asked him, “If you are so mad, then why did ask me to marry you?” What he said, made her heart fill with ice, he proclaimed,

“I put so much time in, I didn’t feel like going out there and finding someone else.”

She walked out of the room after he said that, it seemed his cruelty was coming out of nowhere. Tracy did know that she was the only woman he had ever been with, sexually, and she wondered if he was having regrets because of it. He always had a hard time meeting woman, all of her friends were a little surprised that she even decided to date Russel, let alone marry him. In the end, they all reluctantly approved, just because he treated her so nicely. Tracy knew that a lot of men found her attractive, and deep down that upset Russel, because not many people ever found him desirable. He always felt like it was some sort of power that she held over him.

Tracy wanted to work things out with him, but even she had her limits, she was not going to be ignored in her own marriage. When she brought up a possible split, he spat back,

“Yeah, so you can be with tons of other guys, and I can walk around lonely, no way!”

Again, she was taken back from that comment, saying,

“That is not what I meant, I’m just saying we could use some time apart to figure out what is going on.”

He looked at her, with sad eyes, and said,

“I love that you are beautiful, and hate it as well. I hate the way men are always looking at you, and how easy it would be for you to find someone else, and how hard it would be for me. It took me over five years of watching you date other men, before you even said yes to go on a date with ugly ol Russel.”

This is the most honest he had been with her in months, she proclaimed,

“You are right, at first I did not want you like that, but over time, I fell in love with you, because of who you really are. I want that Russel back, the sweet, loving, and caring Russel. I remember you being patient, and holding me, making me feel better when I was sad. I miss the times when you held me at night, watching our favorite movies. You wanted me more for just my looks, and you didn’t want to just use me. You genuinely loved me, and I feel deep down, that you still do.”

She continued,

“What happened to you? Why have you changed?”

Russel shrugged his shoulders, and said,

“I don’t know, I’m just angry.”

Russel then walked off.

 

In the end, Tracy did end up divorcing Russel. In her soul, she wanted Russel to fight for her. She believed that if he truly loved her, he would have done anything to keep her. He practically did nothing. Barely any protest from him. She did not regret being with Russel, he was the nicest and sweetest guy she had ever been with, and she wished him the best of luck. Years later, she did remarry. And when she was walking with her husband, under the colorful canopy of fall leaves, she saw him, walking alone. Their eyes met for a brief second, when he saw her, he gave a faint smile, then diverted his eyes away. That was the last she ever saw of him.

 

This story is about desire, and how what we work so hard for, in the end may not give us happiness. Russel thought Tracy would give him happiness, and he put his heart, soul and efforts into making sure she would be with him. When he got what he wanted, he realized that instead of feeling love, he felt resentment.

Happiness comes from within, not from an external source.   Everyone is chasing a Tracy, whether it be a new career, place, fame or money. The problem is, when people do get what they want, they soon realize, it’s not what they wanted.

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