Mitch’s wife, Carol, left him for another man two years ago. His anger had long ago turned into sadness, and wonderment on why she left him. It was so abrupt, and when he realized there was nothing he could to convince her to stay, he sunk into a dark depression. He had gotten to the point where he did not even care if Carol did cheat on him, he just wanted her back, even though at times they argued, she was still his best friend.
The loneliness gnawed on Mitch’s bones, and he was tired of waking up by himself. Sometimes, after rising from a deep slumber, he would try to wrap his arms around her, only to feel the cold air from which she used to sleep. And the memories would begin to kill him.
Mitch would get mad at himself often, he should have done more with her. He remembered her wanting to go to couples counseling, and how he pretty much laughed it off. He would reminiscent on the times she annoyed him, and how he would snap at her to leave him alone. He would ask himself if he really needed to be so mean to her? Couldn’t he have just asked her more nicely that he wanted some time to himself after work?
He later understood all she wanted was a little affection, to feel needed and wanted.
It seemed that nobody wanted him any longer. In his desperation for companionship, he joined a local dating site. He put on an old picture of himself up and hoped for the best. He messaged all the women he could find between the ages of 35 and 75, (he just turned 68 himself, thought it would be wise to cast a large net.) Mitch thought for sure someone would respond, but no-one did. How did he ever become so undesirable? He had an ok job, sure, he let himself go a little bit, but he didn’t think he was heinous. One of his lady friends at the store he knew told him to get on the site. When he saw her a a couple days later, he asked her if she ever got dates from that site, she had the opposite problem he had, she had tons of men messaging her, they were just men she didn’t want. He laughed when he heard that, but deep down he was jealous, because at least she still felt wanted. He begin to understand why he was in the biggest demographic of men who committee suicide, deep down he knew, it had a lot to do with not feeling needed.
Mitch did not have a strong relationship with his children. One night, with a cold beer in his hand, he decided to call up his son Johnathan, Who he hadn’t talked to in years. With clammy hands he dialed the numbers, and got a voice on the other line. John sounded surprised when he heard him. They talked for about three awkward minutes, before John came up with an excuse that he had to go, and why shouldn’t he? Even though Mitch was his father, he became a stranger to him.
Mitch was tired of expending the energy in trying to find someone. It wasn’t like years ago when women depended on men for resources. He chuckled at himself, and pondered, what a terrible thing, being stuck with someone because you had no choice. He was happy Carol was able to leave him, I guess it would be terrible for someone to be with you because they had to. At the same time, he kinda wished it was like the old times, when she wouldn’t be able to leave him, because then at least he wouldn’t be alone. Mitch understood it was going to be hard for him to find a mate, if it was his personality alone that had to be the deciding factor. He wasn’t much of talker, and his belly hung over his waist from years of drinking. He speculated he was not much of catch. He had money, just not a lot of it. He had to face facts, finding someone may not be much of a possibility anymore. Sometimes daydreaming about his own death, was one of the things that got him through the day. Just tired of it. Tired of waking up alone, tired of cooking, doing the dishes, and laundry. Tired of going to work, and most of all he was tired of feeling unwanted. He would almost do anything to have someone smile at him, or ask him out for coffee, just a small token of anything.
Sam, the owner of “Hot Mug” coffee place, noticed that Mitch hadn’t come by in a long time. He asked his wife what happened to him, at first she did not know who he was talking about. Then she remembered, “Oh you mean that fella who always whore the same red and black checkered flannel shirt, who sat in the back corner? Yeah, I think he killed himself some time back. A strange fella, always used to come in here and stare at the other people, he was always by himself. He gave me and Shirley the creeps. He never said anything, just stared.”
Sam just listened to his wife speak, and then said, “yeah, sounds creepy.”
Sam had to excuse himself, because he felt strong emotion welling up in his chest and neck. He went outside in the back and felt the sunshine on his face. Tears begin to well up in his eyes, because he couldn’t even imagine how much that man must have been suffering to take his own life. But the worst part was the guilt. He remembered when Mitch asked him to go fishing, probably a couple weeks before he ended his life. Sam told him no, because he just felt uncomfortable around him. Sam realized that Mitch wasn’t creepy, he was just misunderstand, and alone. Maybe if he just took the time to talk to him, made him feel not so alone, Mitch would still be here today.
Men, we need to change, we need to be able to talk to each other and learn to communicate. Isolation will destroy you. In my studies, and teachings, this is the common thread I have witnessed.
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